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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29708748">the last goodbye</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/noahsenpai/pseuds/noahsenpai'>noahsenpai</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>A3! (Anime), A3! (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(sort of), Angst, Gen, No Dialogue, Wakes &amp; Funerals, this is just really sad y'all pls help me</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 17:28:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,163</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29708748</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/noahsenpai/pseuds/noahsenpai</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>chikage and hisoka decide to put august's spirit at peace.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the last goodbye</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">How many years had it been since that night?</p><p class="p1">Chikage honestly had no idea. The only thing that was on his mind at the moment was the fact that tonight was the anniversary of August’s death.</p><p class="p1">Chikage and Hisoka had discussed this plan a few months prior. It was a difficult conversation to have, since it involved details of their past together, but deep in their hearts, they knew that they had to do this at some point. They figured the only way to put their minds, and the spirit of August, wherever he may be, at peace, was to hold a private ceremony in his honor.</p><p class="p1">They had decided to meet at midnight under the moon, which was completely full, in the courtyard. They discussed possible plans to push it further into the night if the others were still awake at that time, but it didn’t seem like anyone was too bothered; if anything, the night owls of the dorm always seemed to be cooped up in their rooms, typing away at a keyboard or scribbling some before-bed homework and study notes into a journal. It was unlikely that they would be disturbed at such an hour, so they kept it the way it was originally planned.</p><p class="p1">The courtyard, so beautiful under the full moon, was almost inviting to them to spend the night outside under the clear, starry sky. There was no breeze, and in terms of the ceremony, there was no food, there were no crowds, just two individuals that must look like specs from the realm wherever August’s spirit resided.</p><p class="p1">It wasn’t intended to be formal, but it was set up to be just enough for two old friends to come together and celebrate the life of their third friend, their brother, who was cruelly taken from them in battle. Hisoka did bring a bag of marshmallows, but it wasn’t for himself (the bag’s small size gave this away); he and Chikage had both brought items to bury in the courtyard, and in a rather special place.</p><p class="p1">A few months before, after discussing the plans with Hisoka, Chikage had made a special request that Tsumugi plant a single rose for him in the courtyard. Of course, he helped, but he didn’t disclose the reason why he wanted the flower to be planted. Tsumugi was so kind to respect Chikage’s wishes, and even more so to make sure that it was watered and fed daily. Even now, in the dead of winter, it seemed to be the only healthy-looking flower in the courtyard. Chikage hadn’t expected the rose to be white when it bloomed, but as he thought about it, he came to the realization that it was a rather fitting color. It made him think of August.</p><p class="p1">The two spent almost an hour standing beside each other in front of the rose, their pinkies laced together as they prayed silently to themselves. No, they weren’t praying to themselves; they were praying to August. Their unspoken words were more like repetitions of sweet memories; the black and white images that popped into their minds were described in a way that almost brought them back to life, but no matter how far they attempted to reach out, even in their dreams, they could never reach it; they could never paint the images back into color.</p><p class="p1">Chikage <em>hated</em> himself for this. He hated that he, like Hisoka, had such a blurred memory of everything that they had gone through together. He thought that suppressing the memories would help him cope with his grief, but now he was doing what he was most afraid of: facing the past. <em>Remembering</em> the past, letting it all clog his mind. He didn’t want to cry. If he cried, then that would be a betrayal of his image. The wall that he set up in an attempt to cope with his grief, blocking others out and refusing to let them see his emotions and lying through his teeth at every opportunity to make himself look stronger.</p><p class="p1">But wasn’t that what he was trying to stop doing? Wasn’t he trying to stop running away from his past? If he ran from his feelings, there would be no point.</p><p class="p1">He felt so weak right now.</p><p class="p1">He knew he had never been strong. He had always been weak. Weak for running away from everything. Weak for not facing the truth that he always warned others about.</p><p class="p1">Then the contact at his fingertips broke, and Chikage blinked, managing to escape from his thoughts for a moment. Hisoka was walking forward, slowly, until he was standing ini front of the rose. Then he knelt down and began scraping the dirt to the right of the flower aside so he could place his small bag of marshmallows into the hole he had dug. Then he slowly patted the mound back over the bag and knelt so he was completely on his knees, silently staring at the white rose and letting his fingertips trace over the soil he had just replaced.</p><p class="p1">That was when Chikage lost it.</p><p class="p1">The tears began streaming down his face, showing no signs of stopping even as he knelt down and buried his gift, which was the small vile of the serum that August had switched out for Hisoka. He cried all the way through the burial and through his final prayers, barely able to stand up straight without the help of Hisoka as they returned to the common room inside. As soon as they were alone together, he just let the tears fall, truly knowingfor the first time that he was with someone who he could share his feelings with. Someone who he knew understood him and his grief. He could tell that Hisoka was also crying, even as the smaller man was the first to reach forward and wrap his arms around his shoulders, pulling him close in a way that signaled that he had no intent to let go any time soon. Chikage didn’t remember ever crying so hard in his life; the fact that Hisoka’s embrace was so warm and gentle, a hug that reminded him of August’s hugs, didn’t help this fact, and it only made him sob even harder.</p><p class="p1">Even as his whole body was wracked with emotion, Chikage knew deep in his heart that he and Hisoka had helped August’s spirit find peace. Perhaps it was the fact that he knew that he was letting him go for the last time that made him so emotional. He could have his jacket and his accessories, and even some samples of his handwriting, but none of those could ever bring him back. Letting him go was the easiest option. It would make all three of them feel better in the long run. It was a hard sacrifice, but Chikage knew, here, wrapped in his brother’s arms, that things were going to be all right.</p><p class="p1">August’s spirit was at peace. Everything would be okay now.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ok so this is the first angst fic i've written in a while, i can't tell if that's a good thing?? i kinda wanna get better at writing angst tho so sjdhfs<br/>but in all seriousness, if i'm being honest, i've been thinking about my aunt a lot lately who i lost back in september. i didn't get to go to her funeral because of covid, but my parents who went talked a lot about it and what happened there. i heard moments when my cousins and my uncle had just burst into tears, especially when they arrived home after the services, and it makes me really upset that something so bad had to happen to her at such a young age. the nature of her death i only keep between myself and close friends, so i won't disclose too much of that (also because it can be really triggering), but i think that those thoughts inspired me to write this fic. whenever i think about chikage and hisoka together, i can't help but think about my cousins and uncle, who probably went though (and are still going through) similar things that these two go through when talking and thinking about august. i think this fic is also a bit of a projection about my own feelings about the death that happened in my family, especially the frustration and grief and that feeling that you could have done more.<br/>this isn't something that was easy to write about, but i figured i would be honest and share why, at least in part, i decided to write this. i know it's sad, but i hope you all enjoy &lt;3</p><p>  <a href="https://noahsenpai.tumblr.com">my tumblr</a><br/><a href="rekisdimples.tumblr.com">anime blog</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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